Barefoot Bay Men's Golf Association 

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> Jack Lemmon relates this one..

 I was lying 10 and had a 35 foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder: "How does this one break?"

My caddie replied "Who cares?"

>Bob Hope told this story..

My doctor told me I was overworked for a man in his 80s and need a complete rest-

 and that included giving up golf. Hope decided to give up that doctor instead.

>During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.


He described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”


Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,”  he replied, “I'm just a lousy golfer.”

>After the 18th hole, the golfer adds up his score and stops when he reaches eighty-seven. He then has a swim, a pint of rye, sings "Sweet Adeline" with six or eight other liars and calls it the end of a perfect day.

 from anonymous

>Golfer: I've never played this poorly before.

 Caddie: You've played before?

 Attributed to Fred Metcalf the author of Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotation

>One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf
  shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long
  period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now
  that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you
  should sell your golf clubs."   
   Jim gets this horrified look on his face  
  She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"  
  ”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
  "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
  I wasn't!

 >   How men and women record things in their diaries...... 
------ Wife's Diary:
 Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
 I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
 When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 ----- Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?

contributed by: John Sedota

> Two buddies playing golf together standing on a green putting close by there is a highway and there is a funeral procession going by the golf course. One of the guys pauses takes his hat off holds it over his heart and faces the procession,as soon as the motorcade goes by he takes his hat off and his buddy says that is one of the nicest things I have ever seen anyone do.The guy pauses and says that is the least I could do I was married to her for 52 years.    contributed by: Hank Tibbetts 

>Suggested Golf Rule Changes for Seniors:

 (Hey Carl check these out)
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (B)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3 (G)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7..G.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.  Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9 (S)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
contributed by: Bruce Amoss